"Tonight I find it hard to sleep / each sound and squeak i hear / keeps me staring at the ceiling..."

...and i got too much on my mind
i think it's time to take a drive
and leave it all behind...

No one can predict when nights like this will strike; the desire to say something, to be socially aware and conscious, to have your voice heard. And on top of this feeling, there is just a lot going on in life right now. As was mentioned in earlier posts, I still feel like I'm sitting by, albeit amicably at the moment, and watching life just kind of go. Other people's lives are skyrocketing past mine and I'm not sure when I'm going to get my boost. Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and have everything happen exactly as it is meant to, but that would make everything so much less 'interesting'...no surprises means no spontaneous actions which means life is predictable.

...oh, i need some understanding
i need a little love
gonna speed down to the oceanside
in a race with the stars above...

If you really think about it, though, even a predictable life is better than no life at all. Sitting back and waiting for life to happen is not the way to live life. Love and experience are what make life worth living; otherwise there really is no purpose to being here.

...so have some faith, you say...
and hope will find its way
well i doubt what you're sure of
and it seems to me the greatest of these is love
...but it's so hard to love...

Having gone through what I have in life, really trusting people is difficult. I've allowed certain people to have power over me in ways that no one person ever should and it has jaded me. However, I have faith that one day there will be someone who will accept me for the pockmarked, injured and jaded person that I am and love me the way that I know that I deserve to be loved. But until such time as he comes forward, I need to learn how to open myself back up. Learning my limits, what I want and who I am have been my main goals for the last few months and so far, I have been successful in the majority of these goals; I'm finally happy with me and who I am becoming. Now I just have to get to the point where someone else knows this person and loves this person. Certain people have been telling me lately that I "have changed" and that they "don't know me anymore" or I'm "not the person they once knew." To this, I am learning to say "Thank you; that was the goal. I don't like who I was and am now happier." God, just let me be open to the opportunities you have provided for me, whether they be for romantic love, jobs, or anything else. My biggest fear is that I won't be open for whatever you have planned for me and I will miss my chance to start.

LORD, i just need some understanding,
i need a little love
and i want to sing this song to somebody
who does what they're made of

Most of all, I have this deep abiding feeling that I am not supposed to be alone. There are numerous references to it in scripture that if you cannot be settled alone, you should marry. My heart yearns for someone that I have yet to meet, or at least that I have yet to let into my heart in that capacity. Nothing would make me happier right now than to have that "one" person who knows exactly what to say, exactly how to hold you to make you believe that life is perfect in that one moment. Everything may be crashing down around your ears, but so long as that person is there and has you in their arms, all is right in the world. At one point, I thought I had that, and then was once again proven wrong and lost what I thought I had.

Everything happens for a reason; a mantra to live by. Nothing can change the past, and no one is certain of the future, so therefore all we have is the here and now, putting an even higher price on experience and love as they are "Now".

-- K