"I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea / Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath..."

There's a grand part of me that is wondering when my life is going to start; I've gotten into a routine that is okay, but I don't have a job and I really want one. My little brother's life is skyrocketing to a start, getting married and going to be a father (not that I want that exactly, but it's a start and he knows what he wants...) and it seems like I'm sitting on the sidelines or still waiting on the gunshot at the starting line. I'm going to be 23 in exactly 2 months from now and I can't begin to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm moving into my parents' basement and I don't know for how long. I can't stay unemployed for much longer, as I have a constant outflow of cash and no inflow whatsoever...I'm tired of it...God, when will it be my time? I know I'm not following very well right now...and I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. I need to move on from the last six years but I'm stuck in a rut and spinning my wheels attempting to get out...

Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

Everywhere I look, I should be learning what to do and what not to do. And every time I think about something new, I need to do my best to keep my mind on a forward path and not worrying about what anyone else thinks but me. There is nothing I want more right now than to just have a stable job and to be able to say that I'm not scared of a financial situation. In June, student loan crap starts coming due and I have GOT to have some money available by then...BUT I don't want to prove this to anyone but myself...I don't have anyone but myself to impress. No one is directly tied to my life and I don't have anyone to answer to on this earth but myself. No matter what anyone else seems to think or wants me to believe, there is nothing to this life but being me, learning from my mistakes and moving forward. It doesn't matter anyone else's opinion but my own. Your criticism means little to me; I'll take it into account for what it is: criticism. If it is constructive, I'll consider the changes and move forward from there. If it is just to make me feel bad, then I let it roll off my back and move on with my life.

So take me down to the river like a little child,

And take my hand and tell me it's okay to be wild.

If there's anything that I needed right now, it's a carefree relationship (whether it turns into something major or is just something fun) where the person tells me that anything I want to try or do is okay by them. No one has ever done that for me before; very few people have been that kind of person to me. Off the top of my head I can think of 2 maybe 3...and they are mostly very recent additions. One of them has been around awhile, but we are just now starting to get close again and I like that; our life philosophies are very similar: if someone is trying to drag you down, cast the negativity to the side and live your life. "No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent." So true.

(I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.)

...

(True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics
of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything. You don't need anything.)

I can think of nothing to follow that, so I leave you with the following thought:

If God = Love, Love = Music & Music = Life, then God = Life.

Attempting to reconcile everything in my life; patience is a virtue and a blessing.

-- K