"How long have you been in your bedroom? / It's been 3 days straight with the sheets and your pillows..."

Today has just been one of those days; lounging around all day in PJs, hair in a messy bun, dinking on the internet and just in general wasting time.  Ever since I've moved downstairs, I feel bad about convalescing in my room because it's so secluded.  I want to be a part of family life, but at the same time, I like my privacy and the serenity that comes from having your own space.  With Baby coming, the move was necessary, as I've stated before; moving the Lovebirds downstairs would be a bad decision because then they wouldn't be able to hear Baby upstairs; this room is pretty sound-proof.  Gotta love that Madre refused to call my old bedroom "the nursery" because she didn't want me to "feel kicked out"...I'm almost 23...not 2...yes, its sad that I was "evicted" from my room of 17ish years, but it was a necessary change; best for all considered.  Oh well; she means well and I can't fault her for that.  I may be OCD and particular about certain things, but for the most part, I try my best to not let that interfere with what is best for other people.  I try my best to not let my OCD interfere with other people's lives; at times, that's not possible, like not liking to sit on the end, or needing to sit in a corner at restaurants, but those are minor compared to living situations. Especially in tight quarters as this...


"Wake up, you're a drama queen / Carry on like you're supposed to be.../ This is becoming a catastrophe"


*segway* Since when has it become okay for other people to attempt to run others' lives?  This is not necessarily directed at anyone in particular in my life, but at events that I have been witness to, both with people close to me and in general in the world.  It has come to my attention that some people (in general, again not specific) are not happy unless everyone else is a miserable as they are...therefore, whenever someone gets an inkling of happiness or contentedness within their realm of experience, said Sour-Puss People (SPP) do everything and anything within their power to drag the Contented Person (CP).  Now I know that everyone experiences a SPP at some point in their lives, but I personally think that being a SPP should be punishable by law.  It's against the principles our country was founded upon, if you think about it...these things are promised to us as US citizens when we were declared free from 'Mother England' ... " We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..."  I don't know about you, but I trust the Founding Fathers' judgement.  I mean, their work founded this great country that people are so proud of (granted, there are many aspects of it that I personally am not proud of, but these 'unalienable rights' are something that I personally would like to see upheld.)  *gets off soapbox*  Okay, rant over.


I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does / And who am I kidding? ... This town really gets to me...


Sometimes I over-react to things, but I'm completely okay with that.  If I don't know that I am, I know my friends will inform me, and if they don't, then they have simply accepted my freak-out, will let it continue for as long as is necessary and move on with life afterwards.  Something else about me that not a lot of people realize is that I'm a serial apologizer.  When I do something that I feel bad about, there's not really any consoling me about it for awhile; if I inconvenience someone, I'm forever telling them "thank you so much" and "I'm so sorry for 'thing x' that happened" or something to that general effect.  It's a problem because sometimes I get on people's nerves and at times I let myself get walked all over because of it, i.e. apologizing for things that are not, in fact, my fault and that I have no control over.  Like the majority of my last relationship...there were times where I had no idea what I had done wrong, but he was upset nonetheless and I was thereby 'forced' in my mind to apologize profusely and supplicate myself to him to make sure things were okay again.  And now that I realize this, I'm glad that I'm moving on and treating myself better :)  I like being a CP hehe :)


Wake up from the drama scene / Stick around it'll bury me / Get away, hurry up, come on...This is becoming a catastrophe


My life is a beautiful disaster and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Eventful and not normal is better than boring any day!


-- K

"Tonight I find it hard to sleep / each sound and squeak i hear / keeps me staring at the ceiling..."

...and i got too much on my mind
i think it's time to take a drive
and leave it all behind...

No one can predict when nights like this will strike; the desire to say something, to be socially aware and conscious, to have your voice heard. And on top of this feeling, there is just a lot going on in life right now. As was mentioned in earlier posts, I still feel like I'm sitting by, albeit amicably at the moment, and watching life just kind of go. Other people's lives are skyrocketing past mine and I'm not sure when I'm going to get my boost. Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and have everything happen exactly as it is meant to, but that would make everything so much less 'interesting'...no surprises means no spontaneous actions which means life is predictable.

...oh, i need some understanding
i need a little love
gonna speed down to the oceanside
in a race with the stars above...

If you really think about it, though, even a predictable life is better than no life at all. Sitting back and waiting for life to happen is not the way to live life. Love and experience are what make life worth living; otherwise there really is no purpose to being here.

...so have some faith, you say...
and hope will find its way
well i doubt what you're sure of
and it seems to me the greatest of these is love
...but it's so hard to love...

Having gone through what I have in life, really trusting people is difficult. I've allowed certain people to have power over me in ways that no one person ever should and it has jaded me. However, I have faith that one day there will be someone who will accept me for the pockmarked, injured and jaded person that I am and love me the way that I know that I deserve to be loved. But until such time as he comes forward, I need to learn how to open myself back up. Learning my limits, what I want and who I am have been my main goals for the last few months and so far, I have been successful in the majority of these goals; I'm finally happy with me and who I am becoming. Now I just have to get to the point where someone else knows this person and loves this person. Certain people have been telling me lately that I "have changed" and that they "don't know me anymore" or I'm "not the person they once knew." To this, I am learning to say "Thank you; that was the goal. I don't like who I was and am now happier." God, just let me be open to the opportunities you have provided for me, whether they be for romantic love, jobs, or anything else. My biggest fear is that I won't be open for whatever you have planned for me and I will miss my chance to start.

LORD, i just need some understanding,
i need a little love
and i want to sing this song to somebody
who does what they're made of

Most of all, I have this deep abiding feeling that I am not supposed to be alone. There are numerous references to it in scripture that if you cannot be settled alone, you should marry. My heart yearns for someone that I have yet to meet, or at least that I have yet to let into my heart in that capacity. Nothing would make me happier right now than to have that "one" person who knows exactly what to say, exactly how to hold you to make you believe that life is perfect in that one moment. Everything may be crashing down around your ears, but so long as that person is there and has you in their arms, all is right in the world. At one point, I thought I had that, and then was once again proven wrong and lost what I thought I had.

Everything happens for a reason; a mantra to live by. Nothing can change the past, and no one is certain of the future, so therefore all we have is the here and now, putting an even higher price on experience and love as they are "Now".

-- K

"I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea / Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath..."

There's a grand part of me that is wondering when my life is going to start; I've gotten into a routine that is okay, but I don't have a job and I really want one. My little brother's life is skyrocketing to a start, getting married and going to be a father (not that I want that exactly, but it's a start and he knows what he wants...) and it seems like I'm sitting on the sidelines or still waiting on the gunshot at the starting line. I'm going to be 23 in exactly 2 months from now and I can't begin to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm moving into my parents' basement and I don't know for how long. I can't stay unemployed for much longer, as I have a constant outflow of cash and no inflow whatsoever...I'm tired of it...God, when will it be my time? I know I'm not following very well right now...and I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. I need to move on from the last six years but I'm stuck in a rut and spinning my wheels attempting to get out...

Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

Everywhere I look, I should be learning what to do and what not to do. And every time I think about something new, I need to do my best to keep my mind on a forward path and not worrying about what anyone else thinks but me. There is nothing I want more right now than to just have a stable job and to be able to say that I'm not scared of a financial situation. In June, student loan crap starts coming due and I have GOT to have some money available by then...BUT I don't want to prove this to anyone but myself...I don't have anyone but myself to impress. No one is directly tied to my life and I don't have anyone to answer to on this earth but myself. No matter what anyone else seems to think or wants me to believe, there is nothing to this life but being me, learning from my mistakes and moving forward. It doesn't matter anyone else's opinion but my own. Your criticism means little to me; I'll take it into account for what it is: criticism. If it is constructive, I'll consider the changes and move forward from there. If it is just to make me feel bad, then I let it roll off my back and move on with my life.

So take me down to the river like a little child,

And take my hand and tell me it's okay to be wild.

If there's anything that I needed right now, it's a carefree relationship (whether it turns into something major or is just something fun) where the person tells me that anything I want to try or do is okay by them. No one has ever done that for me before; very few people have been that kind of person to me. Off the top of my head I can think of 2 maybe 3...and they are mostly very recent additions. One of them has been around awhile, but we are just now starting to get close again and I like that; our life philosophies are very similar: if someone is trying to drag you down, cast the negativity to the side and live your life. "No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent." So true.

(I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.)

...

(True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics
of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything. You don't need anything.)

I can think of nothing to follow that, so I leave you with the following thought:

If God = Love, Love = Music & Music = Life, then God = Life.

Attempting to reconcile everything in my life; patience is a virtue and a blessing.

-- K